So here lately my days have been pretty friend filled and I am beyond grateful for that. There was a long period of time where I wasn’t the best friend in the world. All because of a “friend” that maybe wasn’t the best. But I’ve been working on the recovery process and I’m feeling pretty good about these people that I’ve decided to surround myself with. Don’t get me wrong I have always been that person who can make friends easily but I also am that person with different degrees of friendships.
There’s that level of co-worker bonding that never goes beyond the work place. I have that now with several people. I’m happy with that level I don’t want to cross the line that I crossed before. Been there, been burned, no desire to go back. We share interests and swap stories. Yet only know basic information about one another. Don’t get me wrong if there is the offer to hang out, go get drinks, or whatever I’ll be more than willing to go but I like the current levels just as much.
Next I have what I lovingly refer to as just friends. The people that I have gotten drinks with. The people whose company I enjoy yet we don’t often see eye to eye. People who I worked with for four years of my life and occasionally still attempt to make plans with (that always fall through, I’m getting use to that disappointment). We still congratulate each other on various things, holiday and birthday wishes are still shared, but the face to face time is lacking. There’s a few of them that I am so, so happy for. And fewer who my heart cries for, because bad things seem to follow them around. But I always offer hope and love to them.
Now this next group are what I call “My People”. The lot of them used to just be my girls but they’re gradually getting married off and we’ve added in their spouses and kids. Plus I’ve added a friend or two to that circle. These are the people that no matter what I never worry about how I act because I know they love me. The people that when we talk strangers probably wonder if the cops need to be called. These were the people that I ignored because I was always told your high school friends are not the friends that you’ll have for the rest of your life. Friendships were damaged. I’m not going to lie but nothing gets so broken it can’t be fixed. And trust me I’ve made a very concious effort to fix things. I text more. Make plans more. Reach out more. Offer advice more. Make my voice be heard again. Because I missed these people. I missed my people and what it was like when we had all the free time in the world. We’ve gotten older, things have changed but sometimes when the laughter is abundant and the tears free flowing I remember why I chose them. Not a one of them is flawless but those flaws are beautiful. Not to mention their demons play nicely with my own.
This last group is one I don’t talk much about anymore. It hurts too much. Hell I wake up in tears and cold sweat from dreams that two years ago would have been glorious. Now they sour a whole day. I’m talking about ex-friends. We all have them. Sometimes they’re people who just fade away. Occasionally there’s a huge fight, a big bang and then nothing. But my worst instance definitely contains heartbreak. We parted in her words “as still friends” just not like we were before. Except she can’t even stand to hear about me from people we both know. And unliked a photo of a mutual friends child after she noticed I posted it. Don’t get me wrong I’m not bitter about this. Not anymore. I’m just sad. Sad I didn’t see her graduate. Or get her dream job. Or get married. Or any of the other millions of future plans we made. Even now though I wish her all the best. Heart broken or not I could never wish anything bad on any one I once was friends with who put me to the side because it suited them.